Warrant - Cherry Pie (1990)

I tell ya the problem with Warrant...they're just ugly. I can take hair metal with a pinch of salt especially when occasionally the genre produces some quality bands, i.e. Spread Eagle, even Kik Tracee etc. 'Cherry Pie' was a big record (Warrant's second album)...for me it's just a lush lump of ice-cream. Five scrawny guys who probably watched too much porn, shagged too many ugly bimbo's, it's the same old bombastic tales of lost love, found love, dirty love, innuendo, acoustic rambling,...ho-hum! Tries to be the younger brother to Crue's 'Dr Feelgood', musically it's adequate although there's something manufactured about this...five scrawny guys with women's hair and no dress sense telling stories we don't wanna hear anymore. Those lovely choruses, Jani Lane attempting to pout...well yeah it works when you look like a fish...I dunno, where these kind of guys bullied at school and think that by forming a rock band will make them hard ? Oh, I'm such a cynic. Sure, the songs are catchy, the production is big and clean and cushioned, courtesy of Beau Hill, but is there any difference between this and say Bon Jovi's housewives-only rock dross ?

Guess 'I Saw Red' is five scrawny guys trying to write a cool rock ballad, but it's just not real is it. Five scrawny guys in cowboy boots flicking their hair about, questioning their love as every video sees some satin-laced porn star draped over a vehicle as the wind blows her tresses, oh so sexual...apparently the bands next opus 'Dog Eat Dog' moved away from the gushing..I'm sure the women loved 'Cherry Pie', fuck knows why because if I was a bird with a brain I'd have as cool taste as me!!!!

Five scrawny guys who should have taken a leaf out of Tesla's book. 'Bed Of Roses'...come on, where do they get these titles ? The Mills & Boon of metal.

5/10

Motley Crue - Theatre Of Pain (1985)

Nope, I don't know what happened either...more hairspray and lipstick than a trannie's boudoir, the band look good, but the metal is turned down considerably and the sleaze has been disinfected. Sixx clearly thinking it's time to hit Hollywood big time, and whilst 'City Boy Blues' attempts some kind of crash bang wallop, Mars' guitar seems sharper, cleaner...there's a polished feel and look about the whole record...and two tracks in and we're already associating our mood with the mask of tragedy on the front as the dire 'Smokin In The Boys Room' filters through. Coupled with Twisted Sister's 'Be Cruel To Your School', this has to be one of those anthem's to drag a whole genre down. Sure, us kids were at school but in bands like Crue we wanted attitude, sleaze and Satan, not bloody songs about being naughty at school. And that's the problem with 'Theatre...', despite it having a small place in my heart, it slumps dramatically from the bands first two records, paling considerably in comparison, reminding me more of Ratt with its squeaky nature and the anthem's just refuse to rock...'Save Our Souls', 'Raise Your Hands To Rock'...what's going on! And sure, the scarf waving anthem of all anthem's, 'Home Sweet Home' is a bona-fide Crue classic nowadays, but such a lightweight track seems to only inject more prettiness and dampness into the record. A saviour does come in the raw 'Louder Than Hell' which would seem more suited to 'Shout...', finally Vince breaks from that girly warble and gets a bit of rust in the throat, backed by Mars' cutting guitar and Lee's solid drum attack, but these highs are so short-lived, because turning this record up to ten just doesn't have any effect...I dunno, maybe it's the production, maybe it's Crue's direction into the velveteen world of drugs, spandex, lycra and porn, but 'Theatre...' reeks of pain, but it still, deep down has the ability to strut, fuck and pout like no other, I just wish the band had stayed in league with sleazy Satan, instead of moving out of the dungeon into a penthouse...

6.5/10

Bitch - The Bitch Is Back (1987)

Good name...good cover, showing singer Betsy posing like some Page Three model. I'm looking at the titles, 'Do You Wanna Rock', 'Hot & Heavy', 'Head Banger', Turns Me On', ooohh...and 'Skullcrusher', sounds like It'll be an in your face metal bonanza.

Released by Metal Blade Records, Bitch play pretty standard metal, but hey, what do you expect with those titles ? Admittedly, I'm rather charmed by the album, maybe it's Betsy's slightly off-key wails, and of course that album cover which would have enticed many a young metal head, but the good thing with Bitch is that they actually do rock. So many female fronted acts of the '80s tended to blurt out rather soft metal, but Bitch attempt to gallop along, and the backwards record effect of 'Hot & Heavy' may well have had a few naive metallers scrambling for their crucifix, in fact it's a pretty decent metal anthem. Dingy, fantasy-driven, abit like watching 'Sword & The Sorcerer', and that's where this album aims, at the testicles of every young metalhead in his room illuminated by the glow of candles and leered at by those sullen sockets of plastic skulls.

There's a lot of standard metal around, and a lot of it actually works by being just that. You only have to look at the muscular frame of the pretty boys behind Betsy and check out those hairy chests, to realise that Bitch are gonna be fun. The more I glare at that cover the more I'm entranced by Betsy's qualities, of course, it could be her half-nakedness causing the stir, but enough of that, let's think of metal and not her petal...

6.5/10

Smashed Gladys - Smashed Gladys (1985)

Pretty convincing glam-sleaze, Sally Cato on vocals does indeed have a cat-scratch fever, only downside being their rendition of 'Metal guru'. I'm a Bolan worshipper so even a good cover if his work will not be praised by me...call it religious naivety. Anyway, Smashed Gladys play a pretty raw groove, bolstered by Cato's rawk-rawk, the band probably playing the drunken rock 'n' roll star vibe a bit too much, but I'm sure alot of mascara was smudged in the recording of this debut. Meatier than Kiss, more fulfilling than L.A. Guns, rather predictable but good time party metal. A shame that these kind of bands always seem to base their entire look on Marc Bolan yet remain bereft of panache or glitter despite the pouting and big hair.

Okay, '17 Goin On Crazy' is wham-bam-thank-you-mam glam rock, played simple, and it certainly works better with Cato on the vox instead of drafting in some pretend glam god-cum-ladyboy, and the trademark Kiss stomps do intervene once too often. But...but...there is a charming quality to Smashed Gladys, I'm just being picky for no reason because it's clear that these kind of bands only exist to be rock 'n' roll, even if the authenticity is often questioned, but you know what you're gonna get so just take a swig and crash the party...and then go home and play New York Dolls instead.

7/10

Ratt - Reach For The Sky (1988)

A rather artsy-fartsy cover, but better than seeing the band once again all spread eagled under the bandanna's...oh, that's inside. 'Reach For The Sky' is a more lush outing, but inevitably the band continue to remain in the huge shadows cast by bands such as Crue. This record coming just as metal was becoming slightly alternative, and when put next to records by Love/Hatea few years later, this may well not exist, but that would be cruelly dismissive. Ratt have been there and done it, even if lacking the quality, although the sales have suggested some kind of popularity...with the girls maybe! Okay, 'City To City' is a typical nosedive into Ratt's cauldron of sleazy rock and that guitar intro to 'I Want A Woman' kinda tells me why Ratt have never scaled the heights. Pearcy's vocal sneer reminds me of a young Alice Cooper, but the tone lacks the oomph, as does the music, it's like Twisted Sister without the drama. Possible lack of personality within the band seems a focal point for critics, because despite some of the tunes on offer being above the standard, Ratt, just like in their videos, may have a liking for the satin and cloudy, but we've seen and heard it all before. Crue's Vince Neil is no vocal good but someone his cheese enables Crue's leathery sleaze and stadium rock to work, Ratt on the other hand attempt to strut ('Way Cool Jr') and swagger into the arena but I'm just not convinced. At times I want to be, but maybe it's the image and lack of bite that leaves me a little numb.

Those crisp and squeaky riffs the epitome of mid-'80s pompous rock. Made for MTV, played by college kids who get drunk on two beers.

6.5/10

Riot - Fire Down Under (1981)

I may never be able to get to grips with the album covers this band opts for, reminding me of mid-'90s rock, but their sound is an instant success. These guys have been around a while, and this slab has been considered one of, if not their best opus, opening with the rip-roaring 'Swords & Tequila', this is all-out metal, snappy, sharp and fizzing, Guy Speranza's enigmatic howls and wails riding on the waves of superb guitar licks, aching grooves and ten free-burning cuts. Classic heavy rock which once again failed to attract the masses, but let's face it, it's too cool anyway for the major labels. 'Feel The Same' struts through the darkness, building into an orgasmic Zeppish groove, never sounding dated, always maintaining the magic. I admit to being introduced to this band rather late, but I always recall the album covers which probably put me off at the time, but once lost in their maze of hot grooves, I can't get enough. The name Riot just about sums up the nature of the band, giving us an almost British inspired platter of cool as steel rock 'n' roll, timeless in its soul, and rendering the likes of Whitesnake as lifeless in comparison. Gargantuan yet effortlessly cool. Cutting edge American rock needing not the aid of lipstick and ego to bolster its strut. 'Fire Down Under' was born beautiful..

8.5/10

Anvil - Forged In Fire (1983)

there's no mystery to Anvil, they are just quality heavy metal that belong in the collection of every denim-clad metaller. That opening riff to the title cut couldn't be out of place on a Slayer record, it's immense, it's dark and the sparks are already flying off the record deck. This the bands third record, a true slab of monster metal, slot nicely alongside the best efforts of Judas Priest and Sword, the latter being one of my favourite metal acts and so criminally underrated. Anvil display the same effortless, monolithic thunder, vocally 'Lips' just cruises through these doom-laden epics, backed by the weighty grooves of his own lead guitar and fellow fretster Dave Allison. Ultra cool in its power to decimate, Dickson's bass cracks the pavement and the drum assault of Robb Reiner embarrasses all competition. The band shift with ease between slo-mo heavy rock to hyper, hysteria, raising the flames, stoking the fires, congregating the armies of sweat and blood. Pounding, and wonderfully-executed heavy metal at its finest...Anvil becoming somewhat of a cult act who never reached the big time which should have called by the time their second album 'Metal On Metal' had emerged.

If you're after full on , raging, stomping, fist-pumping metal then you'll find yourself engulfed by 'Never Deceive Me' and 'Winged Assassins', oh and one other thing, any band who can make a song called 'Butter Bust Jerky' sound cool, must be doing something right.

8/10

Bitch's Brue - We May Not Be American But Still We **ck (1989)

I expected this to be an awful weak glam rock imitation from the UK...how wrong was I. Bitch's Brue may have a terrible name, the album cover may attempt some kind of Americanised hairspray pomp, but inside that black wax actually lurks a good little angry record. Fronted by the raven-haired Fiona Clarke, who also plunders through bass, this foursome actually grind out a leathery disc which acts as a cousin to Motley Crue's 'Shout At The Devil'. This ten-tracker may have the worst album title of all time, maybe the band were going for controversy, but not when we find out that the '...**ck' in the title simply means 'rock', but even so, these are petty quibbles for an album that really tries hard to make itself heard. 'Let The Boys', 'Jack Back Into Rock', etc, etc, are anthems of poverty metal, screams from British soil which never caught alight in regards to the Hollywood glam fad. A shame that Bitch's Brue would have been swept up under the carpet, because this is quite a raw record featuring some adequate guitar work and bassy sound. Not mind-blowing but it's always nice to come across records that slap you in the face when you least expect it.

I don't know a thing about Bitch's Brue, and I'm sure the band members are probably working in a garden store nowadays, but lend your ear to their sound, you could do a lot worse, because this has more attitude than a god deal of US-based fakery.

7/10

The Rods - The Rods (1981)

The band picture on the front and the back doesn't leave a lot to be desired...are these guys builders on a tea-break ? The Rods play a solid slab of hard rock, a watered down Motorhead with a few AC/DC boogie riffs ('Music Man'), a bit of later The Who...especially in those curly locks! Straight forward bluesy, truckin', cliche'-laden rock 'n' roll. It tries to be serious and I guess it can be taken seriously, but it's so middle of the road, the look, the clenched fists and tight denim...and so many do it better, but I have a soft spot for the record. When things are cranked up...like on...um...'Crank It Up', it's all quite pleasant. 'Get Ready To Rock 'n' Roll'...it's standard fair, but the reality is, when I am ready to rock 'n' roll, I need something more than The Rods.

5.5/10